Hot Tubs, Pizza, Tequila

The night started off like any other night, double-fisting a nice pair of Buds. They were bottles, not cans, because I’m classy. They were in cozies because I care. In any case, the night looked normal. But I was wrong, so very wrong. It was all going well until I swallowed that worm. That, my friends, is not a good idea, a mistake if you will. And on top of violating Tijuana logic and common sense, I broke the cardinal rule of drinking: Liquor before for beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, makes you sicker.” And this is how I learned my lesson.


We played many a game of beer pong. In fact, we were the reigning champions. Undefeated for nine games and counting. It was unbelievable. It was fucking epic. Love beer pong. Then came Jana and Mary. Freshman. Girls. The easiest way to get a pongcase* in history. I thought the game was over before it began. I was wrong then too. In just a few turns time, Ryan and mine’s empire was crumbling before us, our legacy, our Mongolian dynasty, mortally threatened. It was like a shot to the balls. We had two cups left, they had five. It was our turn. Ryan went first. Thunk. Sunk. In. My turn. The pressure was on, it was the eleventh hour. I called Hero* and shut my eyes. I focused my senses. I was a fucking samurai.

I opened my eyes slowly. The world breathed in when I breathed in. The world breathed out when I breathed out. I felt like Neo at the end of the Matrix. I was that into it. I pulled my arm back. Bent my knees. Paused for the count of “One Mis-si-ssi-ppi,” then launched, arcing my arm, spinning the pong. Bullet-time. Then contact. Round and round. It almost rimmed out once, twice, thrice. Then in. It went in! Our turn again. Ryan readies, fires, misses. Some cheer. The crowd has turned against us like the Senate on Julius Caesar. I stood defiant. It was me against the world. In the midst of all the jeering, I fired. Thunk. I sniped that fucking cup.

Now it’s their turn. The crowd cheers Jana on. Little Miss Too-Much-Makeup shoots. Misses. Mary’s turn. Mary shuts her eyes, couches. The Pong is strong with this one, I can tell. She has much potential. She perks herself up, thinking she can fell the Pong God’s champions. I look upwards, passed the halogen lights, and pray. ‘Let this is day not be our last day oh Hoppy One. If you grant us victory over these infidels I will sacrifice a family of six cans in your honor.’

I return my gaze back to the game. Mary shoots. Rims it. Once, twice, thrice, four times, gravity has an error, the ball flies away. I looked skyward and mouth ‘Thank you.’

Now it’s one to one. I look to Ryan and nod. We fist bump like terrorists. Ryan squares his shoulders, readies, shoots. The crowd goes quiet. I hear a drip of water fall from the kitchen faucet. Chink. Ryan’s shot glances off the front of the cup. He hangs his head low. My turn. I cradle the pong, feel its essence. I am samurai Neo again. I must make it, my reputation and dignity are on the line.

Jana and Emily are smiling, trying to distract me. I see right through the act and look them in the eyes. I see not victory. I see fear.

I take my shot.

The pong spirals every forward, ever onward. Bullet-time again. It cuts a path through the air. Chink. It bounces off the front of the cup. People begin to celebrate our downfall. But it is not to be so! The ball rolls back to me, guided by the Hoppy One. I retrieve, reload, and shoot from behind my back. I don’t even look.

Thunk. From what I’ve been told, the pong hit nothing but water. The crowd went wild. It was like a fucking jungle. Many of them cheered. Others couldn’t speak because they had just been witness to the most epic beerpong comeback in a thousand millennia. Ryan picked me up, a couple others helped to carry me to the other room. Jana and Mary cried. Everyone else shouted, in a most righteous manner. “PONGCASE! PONGCASE! PONGCASE!” I don’t know how, but ‘We are the Champions,’ by Queen, started playing in the background. I clenched my fist and thrust it in the air, screaming with pure adrenaline. As I passed Mary I put a hand on her shoulder and told her. “You have much potential. One day, you may ride on the backs of your peers too. Maybe, just maybe, you will stand on the shoulders of giants.”

Then I was taken upstairs and handed a bottle of congratulatory tequila by the owner of the house. The last thing I remember was waving at the worm as it came down the bottle.

I woke up this morning to the scent of kiwi-strawberry lip balm. I was not in my house and surrounded by my clothes. I had a bad case of rug burn on my back and knees and no memories. My stomach lurched and I ran to the balcony. Apparently, the pizza from the box I had used as a pillow had been, in its entirety, in my digestive system. Funny thing is, I don’t even remember having pizza.

I found my pants, took out my cellphone and texted Ryan.

(831): I puked off a balcony. (1-831): That’s not so horrible.(831): Into a hottub. With six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.


*Pongcase – when an individual, pair, or team of individuals wins ten games of beerpong in a row. Considered a feat of epic proportions, it is not uncommon for a celebration involving more alcohol of conscience-altering substances to ensure after the proclamation of victory.

*Hero – a rule in beerpong also known as Island that allows a player to potentially clear two cups from the table by calling out "hero" or "island" and scoring with the correct cup. This rule can only be used in a certain scenario. That situation is when there are only four cups left and one is not kissing (touching) any other, as in a hero leading and army or a lonely island.